WHAT A DEAL - Making the Most of Step-Parenting

My parents divorced when I was young. Following that adventure, my older brother and I experienced a few step-parents. Some were good, while others were less equipped at managing this often forgotten, but altogether important role.

I don't have children of my own, nor am I a step-parent. I felt compelled, however, to spend some time on the topic. With the prevalence of divorce in America, the likelihood that a person will enter into the role of step-parent is pretty remarkable. But it's another of life's great chances for making lemonade of lemons, and creating a memorably positive circumstance in the life of a child.

Maybe you're dating someone with kids and it might become serious. 'Cause you're looking at rings. Together.

Or perhaps you've been a step-parent for a few or more years, and not one of those family photo albums left you with a trophy for your efforts at bringing up Blake and Bella. Whether it's time for you to assess or re-assess, the potential for greatness is equally bright. And why perform at any other level?

When you take on the role of step-parent, you have decided not just to love a man or woman for the long haul - you have also consciously placed yourself in a position to bless or…completely wreak havoc in a family. Odds are, your beloved and their little one(s) have already been through a lot before you arrived, including a divorce, and perhaps a bonus round of yuck: a nasty custody battle. Even if your soon-to-be spouse tells you that he/she and the ex "get along great" and "the kids are really adjusting well," know that some of this they say to soothe themselves. It's human nature. It sounds mature and healthy. Now pretend that your beloved is only 25% right on the topics of camaraderie with the ex and their child's current emotional state. Take this as the correct number, and proceed.

A few thoughts:

Curb Your Enthusiasm

You may have very high hopes for the relationship you can have with your step-child, or for the result of blending two families. You see all the benefits. Keep in mind that other parties may see only the annoyances, and that's normal. Kids in remarriages don’t choose this situation for themselves, and may be a little ticked at their lack of control. Don't rush things, or over-promote the positives - let things sort out a bit.

Doctor, Doctor

Examine your insides. Do you have insecurities that might make it difficult for you to regularly, cheerfully share your honey with his/her children? If so, it's time to tackle your issues with a professional. It’s critical to the future health of your marriage and those kids that you are emotionally stable and don’t view your spouse as your sole source of companionship and joy. Finding balance and addressing your confidence-stealing demons with a good counselor will help every area of your life.

Fresh Meat, Fresh Opportunity

You were not born into this family. You were selected by an adult, as an adult. Which means that your experiences that came "before you joined the Smith's" bring something to the table that could be of interest to your step-child - eventually! If they show interest in your strengths and talents, teach them, over time, with love. Even the small stuff counts! My step-father recently taught me the most clever trick for maneuvering safely into the assigned parking space in my condo’s underground garage. It used to take me forever to squeeze by the concrete column and not hit the car parked next to mine. With my step-dad’s pointers, I’m now down to 10 seconds, tops!

Do Your Research

There are excellent resources available on the topic of step-parenting, from books and websites to support groups at churches and community centers. Seek wisdom and grow! Learn how and when to discipline your step-child, calmly handle the sharing of children/scheduling over the holidays, take the high road with the ex’s…or benefit from a group with which to vent in a healthy way when you need to….good, sanity-giving advice is within reach!

A Final Glass of Lemonade

I’m blessed with an excellent step-father named Jim. He takes amazing care of my mom, and has the kindness of heart to look after me, too, even though we live in different states. I may be 39 years old, but the wisdom of a great man who loves you is always of help. My own wonderful dad passed away in 1997, at the age of 57, and, I'm telling you, I think he had a hand from above in picking out Jim for my step-dad. Jim gives great advice, but is never pushy. He helps me sort through decisions when I'm stymied. He's encouraging, has a great sense of humor and can cook. He's confident, and therefore supportive of the time I spend with my mother. And he's on the board of my fan club, along with my mom and brother. I know that from his desk today, or driving in the car, or making dinner with my mom, he's rooting for me. That's a blessing.

In knowing him, I've come to believe the following:

The best step-parents are engaged in the lives of their spouse and step-children, are supportive yet honest in their interactions, and - this is particularly important: Have Their Own Lives That They Enjoy. Balance is everything!

Worthwhile Resources to Check Out:

The Single Girl's Guide to Marrying a Man, His Kids, and His Ex-Wife: Becoming a Stepmother With Humor and Grace by Sally Bjornsen

Keys to Successful Step-Fathering (Barron's Parenting Keys) by Carl E. Pickhardt, Ph.D

Happily Remarried: Making Decisions Together - Blending Families Successfully - Building a Love That Will Last by David and Lisa Frisbie

The University of Michigan Health System has a robust website with great information on step-parenting, including a super list of books on stepfamilies specifically for young children through teens. Love it!

http://www.med.umich.edu/yourchild/topics/steppar.htm

iVillage is another super source for information on a variety of step- parent/blended family topics - and the format (modern, clean, easy to navigate) doesn't hurt, either!

http://www.ivillage.com/making-healthy-stepfamilies/6-a-127706

Photo by Jeff Randall/Lifesize/Getty Images